A catechism of business cliché – with apologies to Myles na Gopaleen Thursday, Jun 21 2007 

 

Question

Response

What am I here to do…?

….I am here to tell you that…

What conveniently located fruit will we go after first?

The low-hanging…

In what condition was I born?

…ready

What discovery process will we apply to the onion?

We will peel back its layers

What additional distance will we go?

…the extra mile

Outside what container do we need to think?

…the box

What percentage do we intend to give?

110%

What do we want to obtain the maximum of for our expenditure of a buck?

…bang

On what horizontal surface do we want to avoid leaving money?

The table

What mutually satisfactory situation are we aiming for?

…a win-win situation

What duration of haul are we in for?

…the long haul

To increase sales what do we intend to place more of on the street?

Feet

What example of analog instrumentation do we intend to move?

The needle

What lateral translation do we intend to apply to the paradigm?

We will shift it

What kind of upward pointing job is he doing?

Stand or bang

In order to initiate the process what two forms of lurching locomotion will we employ?

Rocking and rolling

To what major religious figure will we urge the other party to come in our discussion?

Jesus

How to run a magazine subscription department… Sunday, Jun 3 2007 

Like most, our family subscribes to several magazines. I get Wine Spectator and The Economist, we get a horse magazine, one on computer games, Gourmet and so on. All of the various subscription departments seem to operate in the same way, so I have developed a set of Standard Operating Procedures for anyone contemplating setting one of these up:

· You have to snag the first-time subscriber by making it essentially free. The classic was the school fund-raiser, still a good get, but airline miles work well too. Find a list of dormant frequent flyer accounts – these are worthless because the account holder no longer uses that airline but he doesn’t want to see the points go away. Offer a list of magazine subscriptions for points and you have him.

· You can now sell the list of magazines that the guy ordered to a direct mail company. This will cover what you need to pay the airline for the miles

· When he has subscribed, send him lots of copies of the magazine instantly, recent enough that they are almost, but not quite, back issues. You can probably go back a month or two and even three is worth a try. These copies were going to be pulped anyway, and you are pulling forward the time when you are going to get real money from him.

· After three or four issues have gone out send him an offer to subscribe for another year at a deep discount, especially if he commits for 24 months.

· Start hitting him up for gift subscriptions. Depending on the magazine you can target these to specific dates. Wine Spectator is a favorite Fathers’ Day pitch. Anything slightly old-fashioned works for Mothers’ Day. As soon as you hit September out come the holiday gift subscription offers, and you can hit him up with “That Special Person” any time during the year.

· By now he has had six or seven issues (half were back issues) so his subscription is in imminent danger or expiring. Send out a reminder, but reduce the discount. He won’t know anyway. Slow down the deliveries a bit, now. You want him to see the issue in the stores before he gets it in the mail. With luck he is hooked and will end up buying next month’s issue for full cover price when on a business trip somewhere. This is gravy! The subscription issues he gets in the mail will have an ominous countdown insert “Only five issues to go!”. (By the way, make sure these aren’t just cards stuck in there. The experienced target simply shakes his new issue over the trash bin. You want them stapled into the binding so they appear at two places in the magazine).

· Now start sending out the new year’s subscription demands in the form of a friendly-looking reminder, but in an envelope like a bill. Have a box he can check to renew and include a pre-paid envelope. Chances are he will just do it along with his bills. You are vulnerable right now.  This is the danger time and it is vital that he hold out and then renew with another school fundraiser.

· If he doesn’t renew, send him one more copy after the expiration, “as a courtesy”, and then follow it up with a stern-looking invoice. “You may have overlooked our recent invoice…” Most people will cave at this point.

· Once you have got him to subscribe for one year at full freight you are home free. You can now start hitting him up for life insurance and other stuff, as you have a legitimate business relationship.

· Start over again with the gift subscription offers…

All-in-all, this is guaranteed to work.

What decides who gets that top job? Thursday, May 31 2007 

You can tell a lot about a leader by the appointments he or she makes.  For the President of the United States, filling vacancies is arguably the most important aspect of the job, since many appointees are in place long after the president’s term has expired. Supreme Court justices are the most obvious examples, but the Chairman of the Federal Reserve and the President of the World Bank usually occupy their offices for multiple administrations, Paul Wolfowitz notwithstanding. We tend to believe, or maybe we just hope, that the process is objective, independent and designed to find the best-qualified candidate. This administration and others have revealed that this is not always the case. What do leaders really consider when they make these decisions?

  • Patronage.   An executive usually has a coterie of advisers and associates who have all helped him advance. These people are not highly paid. They see their current role as a stepping stone to greater things. An incoming president will introduce people from outside his circle, but the bulk of the plum jobs are seen as rewards for loyal followers. Harriet Myers must have felt that her loyalty was being appropriately rewarded…

  • Protection. Sometimes you need a colleague you can count on – a person you can depend on completely. You don’t know whom you can trust in the new organization, but you have one associate who always tells you the truth – or at least that part of the truth you want to hear at the time. I have known several CEOs who went from position to position with the same second-in-command. It wasn’t always the case that he could do the job very well, but he didn’t rock the boat, and he was a good source of information about what was going on in the organization…

  • Neutralization. On occasion a leader will use a top position to silence a potential critic. After a bruising battle for the leadership, typical in large companies, the loser often gets a substantial consolation prize. This appointment keeps him or her at least ostensibly loyal to the new leader and shuts down the election campaign.  Appointing a former opponent can also mollify a constituency that supported the wrong candidate. There is no guarantee that the disgruntled loser will keep quiet, but criticisms will at least be off the record. It might seem that when Tony Blair gave Gordon Brown the Treasury it didn’t keep him quiet, but it probably stopped him from mounting a serious leadership challenge during Blair’s ten years in office, and it gave Brown something to do between meals.

  • Competence. It is always nice to have someone who will be good enough at a job to forestall embarrassment. You don’t want someone who will overshadow the boss, though. Given all the other the priorities in filling positions in the leaders, job performances that outshine the leader are not so common, unless the latter is particularly incompetent.

Unfortunately, chief executives place many factors above demonstrated ability to perform a job.  Given that it shouldn’t be too surprising that many executive appointees perform so poorly.

 

 

World Bank President Wednesday, May 30 2007 

I have been following, as is surely obvious, the saga at the World Bank.   For a closer , more informed, view click here, where they were kind enough to quote me.  It would be fair to say that the contributors seem unenthused about Mr. Zoellick.

United Airlines – the worst international carrier? Saturday, May 26 2007 

As every traveler knows, flying internationally with a major western airline isn’t remotely like the experience on a top Asian carrier such as Cathay Pacific or Singapore Airlines. Granted, many Asian airlines are basically sexist, and in their advertising Singapore Airlines exploits the fact that they employ young, good-looking flight attendants. In contrast, the major US carriers obviously have what can charitably be called a seniority policy on the long-haul routes. However, this isn’t the real issue. Most travelers prefer excellent service, and flight attendants on most western carriers have completely given up the effort to provide that.

When I boarded yesterday, I started up the stairs on the 747 to my seat and was told by the attendant to put my suitcase in an overhead bin downstairs. No big deal, other than the sense of being ordered around. It was doubtless also annoying for the people sitting in the last row in business class to discover that their overhead space was mysteriously full.

The impression you get from the attendants on United is that we are all in this unpleasant process of flying together. They read out the ridiculous announcements about how we must stay in our designated areas, comply with all instructions and obey the fasten seat belt sign, with the weary relish of a schoolteacher with a new class. The message: “You do exactly what is expected of you, and this whole experience won’t be too difficult for any of us”.

Before takeoff I was asked to select two out of the three meal choices. There is no pretense that your first choice will be available. I firmly said I would have the fish. By the time it arrived I had dozed off and was roused by a sharp poke. The last thing she wanted was to have to go through this process again. The food is terrible but this is a 14 hours flight and you have to eat something. Even the way they speak is revealing. “Something to drink?”, “vinaigrette or creamy Italian?” are comprehensible provided you aren’t struggling with English, but would it be too much trouble to say “for your salad we have a choice of dressings, etc. etc”?

The seats don’t adjust very well because the springs are old and tired. They have no 115V power outlets for PCs, other than the special connector that requires you to carry a completely new power supply that usually only holds the charge in a computer. If you accidentally disconnect you are toast.

Before landing I was asked if I wanted the second meal service. I asked what it was, and the attendant said she didn’t know, but there was a choice between something hot and something cold, “probably be a fruit plate.” I said “You know, I think I’ll pass, thank you”

Even in business class it is pretty much impossible to get out of a window seat without having to clamber over the person in the aisle row, a process that will wake all but the deepest sleeper.

When we arrived, I now had to retrieve my bag from where I had been told to put it, which meant waiting until the front section of business and first class was all clear or pushing against the traffic coming in the opposite direction.

This miserable experience costs around $7500, most of which is fuel and employee costs. Presumably for airlines like United, employee costs are much higher than a comparable Asian one. Now, I have a little sympathy for the flight attendants on United. They have been pushed around by the management, their pensions have disappeared, they have to implement continuous niggling costs cuts and then listen to passengers complain about them. But surely, they and their management must realize that making the process of flying as unpleasant as this will ultimately affect the survival of the airline.

A postscript: one of the attendants who was serving my section was also on my second flight. She was obviously off-duty, but I heard her complaining to her colleague about the international travel and how she had only three days off: “You know, it’s not healthy.” No doubt about it. For all of us.

Asian Hotels – better than anywhere else? Thursday, May 24 2007 

Returning to my hotel in Kowloon at 7:30 in the evening I found that I had mistakenly left the Do Not Disturb sign on the door all day, so my room had not been made up. A printed note under the asked me to call housekeeping any time I needed. I apologized for the error on my part and asked them if they could fix the room while I went out for dinner. No problem at all, I was told, and so it proved. I should point out that this is a good hotel – The Royal Garden – but not absolutely top shelf, or overly expensive by the standards of Hong Kong. Would I get the same service at an equivalent establishment in Europe or the US? I’m not so sure.

The Last Word on Wolfowitz Monday, May 21 2007 

The Economist, in an excellent article, An Outsider’s Fate, on the dismissal of Wolfowitz, reiterates the point that many people seem forget, that the real reason that Wolfowitz failed was that he was ineffective at his job. Commenting on the president’s attempts to change the culture of the bank:

“…a president cannot change those rhythms and routines until he has first mastered them”.

I go back to my posting, An open letter…. which attracted a fair amount of interest. It’s never about what it’s about… Christopher Hitchens, who wrote an article on Slate Sliming Wolfowitz, seems not to understand this.

How often do you think about your personal finances? Sunday, May 20 2007 

Here is a little question to ask yourself. How often do you think about your personal finances, income, investments and expenditures? 

I have a colleague who admits to calculating his net worth daily using Quicken, which seems not only a little unhealthy, but frustrating since presumably the daily changes are very small. On the internet we frequently see short money management articles and it is tempting to click on these either in the hope of either learning something useful or demonstrating to oneself that one is now beyond needing this kind of advice. In other times, unless one is a Buddhist monk, (and maybe even then), I suspect that we think about our own wealth, or lack thereof, pretty often during the day, if only in a glancing way. It’s a little materialist stream of consciousness in the background: “Wonder what the raise pool will be this year. Payday tomorrow, FICA deductions should be over soon. There’s Jerry – wonder how much he makes? Can we afford to go to Europe again this year? Be nice. Pity about the dollar, though. Should probably do it again before the kids leave home. That last Visa bill was a nasty one – time for another family conference – I’m not made of money (although I do ok, probably a good deal better than Jerry if the truth were told. I think.)  If the kids get into Cornell it will be another story, though. Belt-tightening all round. The Beemer goes past 50k miles soon, no more free services. Maybe I should get a new one before tuition starts. Probably a bad idea, though. Market’s up today, should look at my portfolio again or did I do that yesterday? Oh, here’s another article on getting to your first million. Wonder what the raise pool will be this year…”

What Your Office Reveals About Your Personality Friday, May 18 2007 

When we meet a new colleague, we use certain mental shortcuts to assess that person. Working with someone is a particularly intimate relationship, since we spend so much time with our colleagues, so we want to know whom we are going to be dealing with. Even if we got a chance to interview the person, this is a small and constrained window into anyone that seldom reveals much about how the individual will be as a colleague. The way someone personalizes his or her workspace speaks volumes. Here are some clues I look for:

  • Awards and recognition plaques festooning the walls – a big turn-off. Someone whose wall is festooned with degrees, patent awards, photographs with famous people and other props to his vanity is advertising insecurity. On the other hand something quirky or eccentric in this line, like honorary membership of the Association of Rye Whiskey Graders or a photo showing membership in an over-40s rock group is appealing.
  • Family pictures show a human side, but let’s not have too many. After all you are at work.
  • Religious art, pictures and symbols show someone who doesn’t know how to keep his life compartmentalized. Presumably he doesn’t need to be reminded on a day-to-day basis that he believes in god, so the only purpose can be to advertise his religiosity to his colleagues. Same goes for political symbols. Keep your signed photo from John Kerry or George Bush at home. A photo of you shaking hands with Jack Kennedy, however, is interesting and politically neutral, although revealing that you are quite old.
  • Chaos is a worry. The first thing you should do when you move into a new office is get it organized. If you start messy its going to get worse and your professional life is probably also disorganized. Fanatical neatness, however, is a bit disturbing.
  • Fraternity pictures and college memorabilia suggest someone who hasn’t grown up. Ditto excessive sporting memorabilia, although a passion for the Red Sox indicates someone who has good resilience and can absorb repeated disappointment.
  • Hobbies are good. An artful picture of your sailboat or you rappelling down the north face of the Eiger is a good ice-breaker.
  • A huge library suggests a desire to impress. Nobody reaches for Samuelson on Economics or The Handbook of Physical Chemistry when the going gets tough, so these tomes are just for show.
  • The choice of magazines and newspapers is always revealing. The WSJ is a safe bet. The Economist looks good, as does the Harvard Business Review (if nothing else it’s very expensive). The New Yorker, Atlantic or Harper’s suggests a bit of an intellectual life – a positive. The NY Review of Books is just pretentious, though. Business Week and Time indicate a shallow intellect and a short attention span. Anyone who subscribes to USA Today is a moron.
  • Motivation posters and pithy framed quotations are a big negative, unless they are the satirical Demotivator ones. Who does she think needs facile motivation: herself, or visitors?
  • Groups of current or former colleagues doing things together are a good sign – here’s someone who does things with colleagues and shares memories and credit. Photos of interesting places, especially where the person has worked or been on vacation are positives.
  • Finally, the little notice that says “The Buck Stops Here”, usually associated with presidential desks, bespeaks ambition for high office. Colleagues are going to have a rival for the next step up the ladder. Useful knowledge to have. Fortunately it also suggests that this person is sufficiently stupid that others will have no trouble fending off the threat.

Wolfowitz gives in… Friday, May 18 2007 

When the inevitable resignation deal arrived yesterday my first thought was why one earth he took so long to acknowledge the inevitable. Clearly there was a great deal of pride involved in this supposed face-saving exercise, but there is also a degree of detachment from reality and contempt for the organization he was appointed to lead. Wolfowitz’s protracted departure aggravated the damage to the World Bank but it did give everyone a chance to observe the breathtaking arrogance of the position he was taking. He seemed to believe both that there was nothing wrong with the action he took to secure his companion’s pay deal, and that the revelation of the incident would do not harm to his ability to lead the bank. This illustrates limited ability to understand how his actions affect the people he was appointed to lead.

An interesting question is who will get the job now. By dumping Wolfowitz, with somewhat indecent haste, The White House has presumably retained the US privilege of selecting the WB head. I wonder will Bush see the opportunity as another chance to reward a loyalist. Here is a thought…maybe it would solve the Gonzales problem. Now, that is scary…

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